Remnants of Berlin

I’m lying to you. I’ve lied to you ever since things fell apart. I always lied to you about my feelings. Telling you I’m ok when I’m not. Telling you it’s not your fault when it is. Telling you I don’t hate you when I do. I guess I must not hate you because despite my feelings, I comfort you. I keep lying to you even though it kills me inside.

You say you’re sorry and feel remorse. You do and say all the things I wish you would have back when it would have made a difference. Now it’s all too late. It’s funny, despite all the damage you know you’ve done to me, the pain you’ve caused, and the guilt you feel, you still put yourself first. You touch me me when you know I don’t want it. I tell you no over and over again. I do everything except slap you and scream rape.

I still feel guilty that you hate yourself because of what you did to me. I must still love you because even though I hate you and I am angry at you, I still want the best for you. I don’t want you to worry about how I feel and just focus on yourself. I don’t want you to feel guilty, despite it all. I just let you use me and hurt me over and over again. I don’t want you to ever uncover the truth of my feelings because I don’t want you to hurt anymore than you already do.

So why can’t you for once extend me that same courtesy and respect my wishes? All the progress I made is gone when you’re around. I just feel like a victim because even though you’re sorry, you’re still the same. All this pushiness, only caring that you want sex even though I made it clear I didn’t. You still put yourself first, I despise that. After you’re gone I’m not going to be ok. How many times have I had to rebuild myself again? I just wish it would stop. I was just starting to feel alright again before you came.

I hate you, I hate you so much. I have to start over.

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